Humiliation

I don't even know where to begin with this.  So, I'll just start with the good part.

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday.  It was a check in and to give some new family history that I learned from my Daddy's side of the family.  I'm adopted and got in touch with his family around two years ago.  I learned that my uncle and aunts all had strokes in their early 40s.  That shocked me.  I also learned that one aunt has dementia.  She is older though.  Then, I learned that my Grandpa's brother had Alzheimer's and so did my Grandma's mother.  These grandparents are from my mother's side.  I was a bit shocked and thought okay.  I know it helps to know these things.  I talked to my doctor about it and felt hopeful that maybe we could go in a different direction.  He said that it's very good information to have, but that it is likely that, if I did have some TIAs, it has led to Dementia and not to hang everything on the new information.  The wind was knocked out of my sails.  I appreciate his honesty and how he doesn't beat around the bush with me.  He is so kind when he tells me the hard things and I wouldn't want another doctor.  He's so patient and understands my tears and fears and frustrations. 

My husband was with me.  Afterwards we went to the thrift store on post.  I got some new Bible studies and books.  I got our daughter two books.  I play the piano and every time we go to a thrift store I look for sheet music.  There wasn't any there so we went to the ARC thrift store where they always have some.  I found a Celtic Thunder book and am excited to dive into it.  Having new to me sheet music is like opening a new book and reading the story for the first time. 

Doug was looking around the store while I was searching through the cookbooks.  Grace has allergies that we just found out about.  She's allergic to peanuts, bananas, tomatoes, avocados, cabbage, wheat, rice, corn,grasses, soy, cats, dogs, mold, dust mites...just everything in the nature family that you can imagine.  We knew about the nature allergies and cats and dogs.  She recently started throwing up after dinner.  Like running to the bathroom and barely making it.  One time she didn't and that's so embarrassing to a 16 year old.  In we went for allergy testing.  She also has to have a scope to test and look  for a disease in the esophagus and Celiac disease.  So, I was looking for Gluten free cook books. 

All of the sudden I felt something run down my leg and realized I was peeing.  I didn't even know or feel that I needed to go.  I crossed my legs.  I couldn't see Doug and started to get clammy as I panicked.  He saw me looking odd and came right over.  I told him that I was peeing my pants and I was so embarrassed.  He asked if I was feeling like something was going on.  I said yes! That I was peeing my pants.  He said we needed to go and I told him that I could not move or it would all spill out.  I was wearing thin, olive green pants.  There was no hiding that I peed my pants.  I knew if I uncrossed my legs it would all spill out.  He was so gentle as he told me it would be okay and that I had to so we would leave the store.  So, after a little bit of time and encouragement, I uncrossed my legs and let it flow down.  It was so humiliating.  I was so embarrassed to be seen by my husband let alone anyone else in the store.  He helped hide me as best as he could.  When we got to the car I cried.  I just don't know what's happening even though I know what is likely happening.  I am scared.  I had an accident in my pants a couple of weeks ago but thought only that it was so gross and embarrassing but thought it was maybe a one time thing.  I suddenly had to go and didn't make it to the bathroom in time. 

I will go to the doctor again.  In the meantime I know what it's time for and I don't want to go and buy them..  You know those adds where they show the woman ltrying to look all sexy in her disposable undies?  I guess I'll look for those.  But I'm 40.  Next month I'll be 41.  I hate this.  I hate how it's robbing me of my womanhood.  I hate how it's robbing me of feeling desirable to my husband and how it gives me fear that I never had.  That it makes me afraid to go anywhere. I don't want to be trapped.  I hate how I feel claustrophobic or like I'm suffocating because everyone is watching me all the time or I have an app on my phone so everyone knows where I am at all times.  I know this is necessary.  I still hate it. 

In all of this, my sweet husband has been the kindest man.  He is so gentle with me and tells me it's okay.  He felt helpless and I reassured him that he saved me in this.  That he has always been my hero and will be forever.  It's funny, but at the thrift store on post I picked up and bought a little sign that says:  Proud Army Wife I was lucky enough to marry my hero.  How serendipitous was that? 

Let me end this by saying that I am grateful for the sharpness of my mind in the morning.  I am grateful for my family and friends who care enough to take care of me and wonder where I am and that I don't get lost.  I am so blessed to have so much love around me.