Humiliation

I don't even know where to begin with this.  So, I'll just start with the good part.

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday.  It was a check in and to give some new family history that I learned from my Daddy's side of the family.  I'm adopted and got in touch with his family around two years ago.  I learned that my uncle and aunts all had strokes in their early 40s.  That shocked me.  I also learned that one aunt has dementia.  She is older though.  Then, I learned that my Grandpa's brother had Alzheimer's and so did my Grandma's mother.  These grandparents are from my mother's side.  I was a bit shocked and thought okay.  I know it helps to know these things.  I talked to my doctor about it and felt hopeful that maybe we could go in a different direction.  He said that it's very good information to have, but that it is likely that, if I did have some TIAs, it has led to Dementia and not to hang everything on the new information.  The wind was knocked out of my sails.  I appreciate his honesty and how he doesn't beat around the bush with me.  He is so kind when he tells me the hard things and I wouldn't want another doctor.  He's so patient and understands my tears and fears and frustrations. 

My husband was with me.  Afterwards we went to the thrift store on post.  I got some new Bible studies and books.  I got our daughter two books.  I play the piano and every time we go to a thrift store I look for sheet music.  There wasn't any there so we went to the ARC thrift store where they always have some.  I found a Celtic Thunder book and am excited to dive into it.  Having new to me sheet music is like opening a new book and reading the story for the first time. 

Doug was looking around the store while I was searching through the cookbooks.  Grace has allergies that we just found out about.  She's allergic to peanuts, bananas, tomatoes, avocados, cabbage, wheat, rice, corn,grasses, soy, cats, dogs, mold, dust mites...just everything in the nature family that you can imagine.  We knew about the nature allergies and cats and dogs.  She recently started throwing up after dinner.  Like running to the bathroom and barely making it.  One time she didn't and that's so embarrassing to a 16 year old.  In we went for allergy testing.  She also has to have a scope to test and look  for a disease in the esophagus and Celiac disease.  So, I was looking for Gluten free cook books. 

All of the sudden I felt something run down my leg and realized I was peeing.  I didn't even know or feel that I needed to go.  I crossed my legs.  I couldn't see Doug and started to get clammy as I panicked.  He saw me looking odd and came right over.  I told him that I was peeing my pants and I was so embarrassed.  He asked if I was feeling like something was going on.  I said yes! That I was peeing my pants.  He said we needed to go and I told him that I could not move or it would all spill out.  I was wearing thin, olive green pants.  There was no hiding that I peed my pants.  I knew if I uncrossed my legs it would all spill out.  He was so gentle as he told me it would be okay and that I had to so we would leave the store.  So, after a little bit of time and encouragement, I uncrossed my legs and let it flow down.  It was so humiliating.  I was so embarrassed to be seen by my husband let alone anyone else in the store.  He helped hide me as best as he could.  When we got to the car I cried.  I just don't know what's happening even though I know what is likely happening.  I am scared.  I had an accident in my pants a couple of weeks ago but thought only that it was so gross and embarrassing but thought it was maybe a one time thing.  I suddenly had to go and didn't make it to the bathroom in time. 

I will go to the doctor again.  In the meantime I know what it's time for and I don't want to go and buy them..  You know those adds where they show the woman ltrying to look all sexy in her disposable undies?  I guess I'll look for those.  But I'm 40.  Next month I'll be 41.  I hate this.  I hate how it's robbing me of my womanhood.  I hate how it's robbing me of feeling desirable to my husband and how it gives me fear that I never had.  That it makes me afraid to go anywhere. I don't want to be trapped.  I hate how I feel claustrophobic or like I'm suffocating because everyone is watching me all the time or I have an app on my phone so everyone knows where I am at all times.  I know this is necessary.  I still hate it. 

In all of this, my sweet husband has been the kindest man.  He is so gentle with me and tells me it's okay.  He felt helpless and I reassured him that he saved me in this.  That he has always been my hero and will be forever.  It's funny, but at the thrift store on post I picked up and bought a little sign that says:  Proud Army Wife I was lucky enough to marry my hero.  How serendipitous was that? 

Let me end this by saying that I am grateful for the sharpness of my mind in the morning.  I am grateful for my family and friends who care enough to take care of me and wonder where I am and that I don't get lost.  I am so blessed to have so much love around me.

The Simple Woman's Daybook

For Today:

Sunday
July 22, 2018

Looking out my window...It is very hazy as the smoke from a nearby forest fire fills the air.  Our grass and kind of small pasture is very green and the flowers and herbs are thriving.  Despite the haze from the smoke, I do see blue in the sky. 

I am thinking...about the sermon we had at church today and how relevant it is to my life right now.  It's a new series called "Road Trip" and is about discovering the adventure GOD has for you. This first part was about reading the map. That's it in a nut shell.  So I can try to remember more and go back and look I take lots of notes.  Today it was 5 pages!! SO GOOD!

I am thankful...that we found a wonderful church to worship and fellowship in our community that my husband, daughter, and I all like.  It has been important to us to stay within our small town...city. I'm not sure. If it's 28,700 or so people and we live next to a city that has 465,100 people, does that make us a small town or a small city?

One of my favorite things...making a special Sunday dinner for my family. It is difficult for us all to get together to be able to sit at the table and I am so grateful that we can right now.  My boys are 18 and 19.  They are both in college this fall. A Freshman and a Sophomore. They are going to a community college to start and they are living at home for now!  I admit that I hope they choose one of the local universities to finish their education.

I am creating...Christmas ornaments.  I am part of an ornament swap and need to make 12.  I am going to do them all different as they are going to a dear friend who has terminal cancer. She is a very crafty person and we do this every year. Usually not so many, but she asked and so I will. I love her so very much and we have been friends for 26 years.  We went to high school together and she helped save my life.  Literally.  I want to do all that I can to honor our friendship and show her what she means to me. Life can be so very hard.

I am wearing...a jean skirt that goes right below my knees and a shirt with dark and light pink flowers and some lace on it.  I love shirts that flare out and this one does. Also in the arms. So, it is a hippie-ish shirt and that's just the way I like it.

I am reading...a book called Genius Foods by Max Lugavere with Dr. Paul Grewal.  It's about how to feed and nurture our brains.  It can help prevent dementia, Alzheimer or cognitive loss.  It can also help slow it down if it is happening.  Since it is happening for me, I want to do everything I can.  I have been reading A LOT of books on these things. Also watching anything I can find on these subjects.

I am hoping...that God will heal me. If He doesn't and this is really the road I have to travel then I hope for acceptance and an opportunity to slow things down so that I can be present and with my family for as long as is possible.

I am learning...to let go and let God.  I want to know, feel and trust in His peace.

In my kitchen...we had a little family BBQ today.  I made hamburger buns and three loaves of bread from scratch.  My husband grilled the hamburgers and ears of corn that I had prepared.  I made my Mama's potato salad and a fresh salad.  I forgot the sun tea.  So, we didn't have that.  Water is always good!

In the school room...oh my...our son, Lance, signed up for his first semester of college classes.  It's just surreal to me that I have two boys in college now.  I've been looking through some different math curriculum for my daughter.  She struggles a bit in that subject.  We're on break right now.  Her Paps starts leave in a few days.  We homeschool year round.

In my garden...I planted three rose bushes.  The yellow one is for my Grammy.  She had rose bushes all around her house and it smelled divine. I planted a pink rose for Grace.  It's next to a red rose called the Tyler rose.  Grace's best friend's name was Tyler.  Tyler committed suicide in the fall of 2016.  When I happened upon that rose I couldn't believe it.  Her rose and Grace's are planted side by side and they are both in bloom.  I think that it was healing for Grace to be able to plant them.  I ache for my daughter and Tyler's family.  It's one of the hardest things that we have ever gone through. I can't imagine how our friends must ache.  I pray for them and if you want to, you can say a prayer for them right now, too.  Thank you.

Board room:

From my Faith board on Pinterest

Post Script:

My Instagram

Shared Quote:

"Faith isn't the ability to believe long and far into the misty future. It is simply taking God at His Word and taking the next step." Joni Erickson Tada

A moment from my day:

I don't have a picture, but I can describe the moment. I was looking through our CDs to get rid of a few that are scratched or we don't need. I found a Veggie Tales worship CD that my kids loved to listen to when they were little. I played it for them and danced so silly.  We all did and it was fun to go back for a visit on memory lane. I love them so. 

Closing Notes:

Thank you for visiting and getting to the end of my wordy post. I pray you have a beautiful and blessed week. Until next time!

Interested in reading other Daybooks or creating one of your own:  Visit Peggy at The Simple Woman's Daybook and join in on the fun! It's a good way to journal and share little bits of your life.

Counting Change

We had a nice weekend of being together as a family.  I keep trying to remember what we did and it's so foggy.  I know that Douglas tried his hand at Fish and Chips.  First I typed foots and chips.  This is why it takes me so long to write or post something new.  I have to go back and back. Imagine eating foots and chips?! Ha ha!  Anyway, it was pretty good.  I'm not a big fan of any other fish than Salmon.  He makes a pretty good fish and chips though!

We like to go thrifting and I found a new to us game called Jargon.  Have you heard of it?  It's a word game.  A bit like scrabble but a lot different.  Ugh!  English has always been my strong area. I wanted to be a high school English teacher. In this game, you can use any kind of word. There are no rules on that. Doug told me that we can use acronyms.  I said, "Oh! Like Jews?"  He said no and laughed because it just seemed so wild to him and he wasn't sure why I had yelled that..  I said yes and started to argue. He asked what I meant and so I tried to explain and he couldn't understand because my explanation wasn't making sense. I started naming off all the proper nouns I could think of.  He finally understood what I meant and gently explained what an acronym was to me. I felt so dumb. Sometimes I feel like myself and other times I can notice and feel that I'm slipping. I also bought a matching game some day last week.  I've been playing that and it takes me forever if I'm doing it by myself.  With someone else it is a little easier.  I know that's because there are not so many matches to find.  It is the cutest little Peter Rabbit matching game.  It doesn't make me feel like such a child when I look at the pictures.  Sometimes I feel stupid.  That's not the right word.  I can't think of the word but maybe you just know what I mean.  I hope that no one sees my collection of children's games and thinks I forgot to grow up.

I'm going to look in my journal to see what happened these past few days. I'm glad that I keep one. I have to make quite an effort to do so. Oh!  On Sunday, we tried a calmer church for Gracie's sake.  We're trying to find an active church with a youth group.  What an adventure we had!  We walked into one and immediately walked back out.  I felt a little bad for doing so, but it was absolutely NOT anywhere we wanted to even sit down in.  Sometimes you just know! We were going to go home but I just really wanted to go to church. So, we saw a Methodist church and decided to attend their 11 o'clock service.  The people were so very friendly.  It's too far away, but there is one in our small town and we are thinking about trying that. We'd really like to find a church in our community.  I feel like that's important.  We are a few miles away from a very big city and there are more churches than I can count there.  I believe in being a part of the community you live in.

It's been a long couple of days.  I haven't been sleeping very well.  Waking up in the night or early in the morning and not being able to go back to sleep. I keep jerking awake or making sounds and I wake myself up.  I have sleep apnea and where my cpap every night. I wear the little one that goes only over my nose. When I talk or have my mouth open with it on then breathing is funny. It's ridiculous. I haven't been able to take the naps that I need to because I need to take my children to appointments and college.  My husband helps as much as he can and I am so grateful.  He has to work and so I try not to have to need him so much.  I know that if I do not get the rest that I need I will not be able to function as well as I can and I don't want to be driving like that.  Lance and Grace are working on getting their driver's permits.  Lance needs to get his license as soon as possible. 

Yesterday, I was going to pick Leif up from college and take Lance to a doctor's appointment. I went into my change jar and counted what I thought was $2.16.  I was going to get them each a one dollar soda from McDonald's.  I remembered that the last time I counted change I got so confused that I needed my husband help to count $1.08.  I was so proud of myself this time.  I knew that I had counted and counted again and that I had it right.  I showed Lance and he just looked at me.  I knew from his gentle expression that something wasn't right so I had him show me.  I had $1.46.  I said that couldn't be right and asked him to count again.  He did and showed me.  I felt so embarrassed and he was so kind.  He said, "It's okay, Mom." which seems to be the phrase of every day around here.

I feel like I'm always counting the change.  Noticing the shift of dynamic between my children and I.  Noticing the change in how my husband looks at me and treats me.  I notice everything right now. It isn't that it's all bad and what are people supposed to do.  It isn't just me that this is happening to. It's them.  I don't want to be treated like I'm sick.  I want to be treated like I'm still very much Jhona.  I don't want people to do everything for me while I can still do it.  I don't want people to talk down to me or to explain things to me just because they think I won't get it or understand it.  I can understand it. I might not be able to explain myself very well and it might take a little longer for us to have a conversation, but I'm still here for God's sake.

Screaming and My Heart

I wrote this to my dear friend this morning and it is better to share this partial part of the letter than to try to write it all over again.  So, here is my heart today:

Two nights ago Doug had to wake me up because I started screaming and screaming and screaming.  He said he was terrified because it was like I was being murdered.  He had never heard that scream come out of me before.  Apparently Leif ran up from his room on the other side of the basement because he thought something was happening to Grace whose room is right above his.  I wasn't scared when I came to and I had no idea why I was screaming.  I woke up to Doug saying it was okay and that he was there and i was safe.  I didn't feel unsafe and I wasn't even shaking!  Last night though, I was afraid to go to sleep because I had upset Leif and Doug so much and I didn't want it to happen again.  I was very restless.  I kept praying and trying to remember the Lord's Prayer but I could only remember half of it.  I think you're the only one I am being a hundred percent honest with about this at the moment.  Doug worries and hovers so much.  I'm not complaining.  I feel very close to him.  Leif cried to me the other night which was on Sunday.  I think Sunday.  Did I say I could barely times 2.50 x 4?  I couldn't remember how to do it and Doug and Leif had to help me.  It's like when I tried to count a dollar and eight cents.  I am so internally frustrated.  It's crazy that I can type or write much easier than I can speak or keep my train of thought when I speak.  I will say it takes me a very long time to write or type because I do get lost in what I'm trying to say.  But, it is much easier.  I have a whiteboard that I write the date and day on every morning with the days activities and I can only look at one calendar now because I get very confused.  I did go to Zumba on Monday and that felt very good.  I don't really feel humiliated by not being able to do the things I used to.  It's odd to have my physical health despite some awkward movements sometimes while my mental health seems to just be flying out the window.  

Sometimes I feel normal until I see people's faces or see my family trying to hold a laugh in or help me by going behind me to put something in the proper place.  I see Doug watching me or noticing that I notice or get lost and then he tells me it's okay.  I feel like I have dementia now.  I can't ignore it.  I know that I have no tumor and I know that I have no lesions or shrinkage in my frontal lobe.  I also know that certain forms of dementia don't show until your autopsy.  I think I would rather have Alzheimer than Lewy Body Dementia or Vascular Dementia.  I feel like your one card and letter came at a good time and I am thinking of things you and Kate can do should what I feel is happening is happening.  I do feel afraid and I do think about buying many cards for my kids and husband for some special occasions and writing to people to tell them how i feel about them. Making sure they know how I love them so.  I've been making sure I am right with God and talking to Jesus.  I have been going to church and talking to my kids.  Lance is the hardest.  Leif, Grace, Doug and I went to a Polynesian church of the Nazarene this past Sunday and that is where I want to go.  You wouldn't believe the beauty of the singing and the lively worship.  I feel alive there and Doug loves it.  Grace says it is too loud but I know that she will be loved there.  I feel very strongly that this is the place we need to be.  You would love it so much.  I feel free to worship loudly or as soft as I want to there.  The preaching was outstanding.  I'm sure you do know because of the people you met in Hawaii.  I just love it.

It feels odd to be thinking on these things and to be putting things in some sort of order.  I don't mean to depress you or sound dramatic.  This is my reality right now.  I'm not too young for this and there must be a reason that I had that event.  If not too just make things known.  Perhaps I did have a "mini stroke".  Often they can set things off like this.  And, that stupid brain injury.  Consequences for sin and mistakes.  Not a punishment.  A consequence.  I don't feel sad about that.  I've been living with it since I was 19.  I can tell you that this isn't that.  It is that times I don't know how much.  Things just drop from my mind.  I can't recall them and people try to fill in the blanks which frustrates and agitates me.  I need to be in quiet to be able to concentrate on what I am trying to type or post.  I don't say much to anyone in my family because Joye has breast cancer and I will not absolutely will not intrude on this.  My heart is just breaking all over the place. 

Jurassic Sized Tears

This past Saturday we had a much needed family day.  For all but two days of June, we had a friend of mine and her family staying with us as they waited for a home to be ready and a job to start.  I met her through PWOC at Fort Carson.  PWOC is Protestant Women of the Chapel and is a Bible study and fellowship time for military wives(retired, active, guard, reserves, etc). Once she and I had become friends we started to have tea together on Tuesday afternoons.  Maybe the Tuesdays started after I stopped going to PWOC.  When my kids were younger it was a perfect fit.  They have classes for the toddlers through kindergarten as well!  It's such a blessing to military mamas with young kids.  Everyone gets "fed" all the way around.  There is also a homeschool room which is also great and my kids enjoyed it for a time. Once my kids hit around fifth or sixth grade it just stopped working for us.  I realized that my season of PWOC was over for the moment.  It's been a lot of moments now, ha ha!  I do still enjoy a good Bible study but tend to look closer to home and church. Although I haven't been to church consistently in a long time.

Okay, I had to go back and read that because I felt lost.  Were you?  It trailed off into PWOC land deeper than I was trying to go.  Back to my friend, Deena.  Her husband retired from the Army and they needed a place to stay while they transitioned.  It was nice to spend time with her and to get to know her husband and son.  For our children, while they enjoyed their company, it was a lot.  We decided to say "thank you" to them by taking them for a movie and a nice dinner.  They wanted to see the new Jurassic Park movie and we ate at a restaurant called Bubba's. The food was okay, but the atmosphere didn't suit us.  Loud and loud.  That about sums it up! The movie was a lot of fun and we tried really hard to get a picture.  Here's the result:

Later in the evening, I could tell that Leif was upset.  I sat down with him and asked him to please tell me what was bothering him.  He may be 19, but I know his eyes and can see when the tears are just behind them.  He hugged me and started crying very hard and said he just feels so sad and that he doesn't want to lose me.  He's scared and he watches me.  He's worried that all of the things that make me who I am are slipping away and I won't be the same person.  That I am just going to be gone.  He put a voice to my worries.  The ones I don't say out loud because I don't want to face that yet. I tried to say that deep inside of me are the things that make me me.  The music, the way I like to be in nature and find wildflowers, the laughter, the encourager that I can be, the mama and all of me.  I am still me. I said that even if and when I can't remember, they can.  They hold my memories and they hold who I am.  I am writing things down so that I am still here.  I will still be available for them to recognize in moments when they can't see me clearly. I don't know if it helped.  My words.  I do know that the long lasting hug helped both of us.

I enjoy the moments when we can all go out as a family.  Those times are getting harder to find as they get older and their lives get so busy with jobs and college.  Leif will start his second year and Lance will start his first.  My artsy fartsy kids!  All three of them will be pursuing an area of the Fine Arts something or other.  I love to watch them grow.  Grace has two years of high school left and I am so happy.  I want this time with her. We need this time. Time is the constant on my mind.  I'm trying to stay in the moment.  You know how we say it just slips right through our fingers?  Like wet sand.  That's how it feels to me.  Chunks of time slipping through, but sometimes getting stuck in the gap trapping me until another wave comes to wash it away.  I can see clearly for a moment in that time.  Until the next wave hits and it starts all over again.