Jurassic Sized Tears

This past Saturday we had a much needed family day.  For all but two days of June, we had a friend of mine and her family staying with us as they waited for a home to be ready and a job to start.  I met her through PWOC at Fort Carson.  PWOC is Protestant Women of the Chapel and is a Bible study and fellowship time for military wives(retired, active, guard, reserves, etc). Once she and I had become friends we started to have tea together on Tuesday afternoons.  Maybe the Tuesdays started after I stopped going to PWOC.  When my kids were younger it was a perfect fit.  They have classes for the toddlers through kindergarten as well!  It's such a blessing to military mamas with young kids.  Everyone gets "fed" all the way around.  There is also a homeschool room which is also great and my kids enjoyed it for a time. Once my kids hit around fifth or sixth grade it just stopped working for us.  I realized that my season of PWOC was over for the moment.  It's been a lot of moments now, ha ha!  I do still enjoy a good Bible study but tend to look closer to home and church. Although I haven't been to church consistently in a long time.

Okay, I had to go back and read that because I felt lost.  Were you?  It trailed off into PWOC land deeper than I was trying to go.  Back to my friend, Deena.  Her husband retired from the Army and they needed a place to stay while they transitioned.  It was nice to spend time with her and to get to know her husband and son.  For our children, while they enjoyed their company, it was a lot.  We decided to say "thank you" to them by taking them for a movie and a nice dinner.  They wanted to see the new Jurassic Park movie and we ate at a restaurant called Bubba's. The food was okay, but the atmosphere didn't suit us.  Loud and loud.  That about sums it up! The movie was a lot of fun and we tried really hard to get a picture.  Here's the result:

Later in the evening, I could tell that Leif was upset.  I sat down with him and asked him to please tell me what was bothering him.  He may be 19, but I know his eyes and can see when the tears are just behind them.  He hugged me and started crying very hard and said he just feels so sad and that he doesn't want to lose me.  He's scared and he watches me.  He's worried that all of the things that make me who I am are slipping away and I won't be the same person.  That I am just going to be gone.  He put a voice to my worries.  The ones I don't say out loud because I don't want to face that yet. I tried to say that deep inside of me are the things that make me me.  The music, the way I like to be in nature and find wildflowers, the laughter, the encourager that I can be, the mama and all of me.  I am still me. I said that even if and when I can't remember, they can.  They hold my memories and they hold who I am.  I am writing things down so that I am still here.  I will still be available for them to recognize in moments when they can't see me clearly. I don't know if it helped.  My words.  I do know that the long lasting hug helped both of us.

I enjoy the moments when we can all go out as a family.  Those times are getting harder to find as they get older and their lives get so busy with jobs and college.  Leif will start his second year and Lance will start his first.  My artsy fartsy kids!  All three of them will be pursuing an area of the Fine Arts something or other.  I love to watch them grow.  Grace has two years of high school left and I am so happy.  I want this time with her. We need this time. Time is the constant on my mind.  I'm trying to stay in the moment.  You know how we say it just slips right through our fingers?  Like wet sand.  That's how it feels to me.  Chunks of time slipping through, but sometimes getting stuck in the gap trapping me until another wave comes to wash it away.  I can see clearly for a moment in that time.  Until the next wave hits and it starts all over again.