Counting Change

We had a nice weekend of being together as a family.  I keep trying to remember what we did and it's so foggy.  I know that Douglas tried his hand at Fish and Chips.  First I typed foots and chips.  This is why it takes me so long to write or post something new.  I have to go back and back. Imagine eating foots and chips?! Ha ha!  Anyway, it was pretty good.  I'm not a big fan of any other fish than Salmon.  He makes a pretty good fish and chips though!

We like to go thrifting and I found a new to us game called Jargon.  Have you heard of it?  It's a word game.  A bit like scrabble but a lot different.  Ugh!  English has always been my strong area. I wanted to be a high school English teacher. In this game, you can use any kind of word. There are no rules on that. Doug told me that we can use acronyms.  I said, "Oh! Like Jews?"  He said no and laughed because it just seemed so wild to him and he wasn't sure why I had yelled that..  I said yes and started to argue. He asked what I meant and so I tried to explain and he couldn't understand because my explanation wasn't making sense. I started naming off all the proper nouns I could think of.  He finally understood what I meant and gently explained what an acronym was to me. I felt so dumb. Sometimes I feel like myself and other times I can notice and feel that I'm slipping. I also bought a matching game some day last week.  I've been playing that and it takes me forever if I'm doing it by myself.  With someone else it is a little easier.  I know that's because there are not so many matches to find.  It is the cutest little Peter Rabbit matching game.  It doesn't make me feel like such a child when I look at the pictures.  Sometimes I feel stupid.  That's not the right word.  I can't think of the word but maybe you just know what I mean.  I hope that no one sees my collection of children's games and thinks I forgot to grow up.

I'm going to look in my journal to see what happened these past few days. I'm glad that I keep one. I have to make quite an effort to do so. Oh!  On Sunday, we tried a calmer church for Gracie's sake.  We're trying to find an active church with a youth group.  What an adventure we had!  We walked into one and immediately walked back out.  I felt a little bad for doing so, but it was absolutely NOT anywhere we wanted to even sit down in.  Sometimes you just know! We were going to go home but I just really wanted to go to church. So, we saw a Methodist church and decided to attend their 11 o'clock service.  The people were so very friendly.  It's too far away, but there is one in our small town and we are thinking about trying that. We'd really like to find a church in our community.  I feel like that's important.  We are a few miles away from a very big city and there are more churches than I can count there.  I believe in being a part of the community you live in.

It's been a long couple of days.  I haven't been sleeping very well.  Waking up in the night or early in the morning and not being able to go back to sleep. I keep jerking awake or making sounds and I wake myself up.  I have sleep apnea and where my cpap every night. I wear the little one that goes only over my nose. When I talk or have my mouth open with it on then breathing is funny. It's ridiculous. I haven't been able to take the naps that I need to because I need to take my children to appointments and college.  My husband helps as much as he can and I am so grateful.  He has to work and so I try not to have to need him so much.  I know that if I do not get the rest that I need I will not be able to function as well as I can and I don't want to be driving like that.  Lance and Grace are working on getting their driver's permits.  Lance needs to get his license as soon as possible. 

Yesterday, I was going to pick Leif up from college and take Lance to a doctor's appointment. I went into my change jar and counted what I thought was $2.16.  I was going to get them each a one dollar soda from McDonald's.  I remembered that the last time I counted change I got so confused that I needed my husband help to count $1.08.  I was so proud of myself this time.  I knew that I had counted and counted again and that I had it right.  I showed Lance and he just looked at me.  I knew from his gentle expression that something wasn't right so I had him show me.  I had $1.46.  I said that couldn't be right and asked him to count again.  He did and showed me.  I felt so embarrassed and he was so kind.  He said, "It's okay, Mom." which seems to be the phrase of every day around here.

I feel like I'm always counting the change.  Noticing the shift of dynamic between my children and I.  Noticing the change in how my husband looks at me and treats me.  I notice everything right now. It isn't that it's all bad and what are people supposed to do.  It isn't just me that this is happening to. It's them.  I don't want to be treated like I'm sick.  I want to be treated like I'm still very much Jhona.  I don't want people to do everything for me while I can still do it.  I don't want people to talk down to me or to explain things to me just because they think I won't get it or understand it.  I can understand it. I might not be able to explain myself very well and it might take a little longer for us to have a conversation, but I'm still here for God's sake.

Jurassic Sized Tears

This past Saturday we had a much needed family day.  For all but two days of June, we had a friend of mine and her family staying with us as they waited for a home to be ready and a job to start.  I met her through PWOC at Fort Carson.  PWOC is Protestant Women of the Chapel and is a Bible study and fellowship time for military wives(retired, active, guard, reserves, etc). Once she and I had become friends we started to have tea together on Tuesday afternoons.  Maybe the Tuesdays started after I stopped going to PWOC.  When my kids were younger it was a perfect fit.  They have classes for the toddlers through kindergarten as well!  It's such a blessing to military mamas with young kids.  Everyone gets "fed" all the way around.  There is also a homeschool room which is also great and my kids enjoyed it for a time. Once my kids hit around fifth or sixth grade it just stopped working for us.  I realized that my season of PWOC was over for the moment.  It's been a lot of moments now, ha ha!  I do still enjoy a good Bible study but tend to look closer to home and church. Although I haven't been to church consistently in a long time.

Okay, I had to go back and read that because I felt lost.  Were you?  It trailed off into PWOC land deeper than I was trying to go.  Back to my friend, Deena.  Her husband retired from the Army and they needed a place to stay while they transitioned.  It was nice to spend time with her and to get to know her husband and son.  For our children, while they enjoyed their company, it was a lot.  We decided to say "thank you" to them by taking them for a movie and a nice dinner.  They wanted to see the new Jurassic Park movie and we ate at a restaurant called Bubba's. The food was okay, but the atmosphere didn't suit us.  Loud and loud.  That about sums it up! The movie was a lot of fun and we tried really hard to get a picture.  Here's the result:

Later in the evening, I could tell that Leif was upset.  I sat down with him and asked him to please tell me what was bothering him.  He may be 19, but I know his eyes and can see when the tears are just behind them.  He hugged me and started crying very hard and said he just feels so sad and that he doesn't want to lose me.  He's scared and he watches me.  He's worried that all of the things that make me who I am are slipping away and I won't be the same person.  That I am just going to be gone.  He put a voice to my worries.  The ones I don't say out loud because I don't want to face that yet. I tried to say that deep inside of me are the things that make me me.  The music, the way I like to be in nature and find wildflowers, the laughter, the encourager that I can be, the mama and all of me.  I am still me. I said that even if and when I can't remember, they can.  They hold my memories and they hold who I am.  I am writing things down so that I am still here.  I will still be available for them to recognize in moments when they can't see me clearly. I don't know if it helped.  My words.  I do know that the long lasting hug helped both of us.

I enjoy the moments when we can all go out as a family.  Those times are getting harder to find as they get older and their lives get so busy with jobs and college.  Leif will start his second year and Lance will start his first.  My artsy fartsy kids!  All three of them will be pursuing an area of the Fine Arts something or other.  I love to watch them grow.  Grace has two years of high school left and I am so happy.  I want this time with her. We need this time. Time is the constant on my mind.  I'm trying to stay in the moment.  You know how we say it just slips right through our fingers?  Like wet sand.  That's how it feels to me.  Chunks of time slipping through, but sometimes getting stuck in the gap trapping me until another wave comes to wash it away.  I can see clearly for a moment in that time.  Until the next wave hits and it starts all over again.